Bangkok, Thailand

*WARNING*WARNING*WARNING*WARNING*WARNING*

If you are easily offended, do not continue reading although I really wish you would. This information is essential for you to make up your mind and get your ass over to THAILAND NOW!! This country is AMAZING! Let me just say that when I left off (last night) I never imagined what the following 24 hours would be like.

Once I got off the computer, Jorge, Alberto and I walked outside and began to walk toward Patpong (the crazy sex neighborhood in the Silom area of Bangkok) to find a bar and party! We weren't looking for sex. I swear. We just wanted to have an authentic thai experience on a friday night! As we walked down Rama IV avenue, we were approached by tons of men and women asking to take us to whore bars, offering massages (we still don't know which kind), sex DVD's, really cool shirts, thai food, etc etc etc. They offered us everything you could possibly imagine. Now, this is the story of what happened to us. One of those fascinating men that have nothing else to do but convince dumb men to visit the tittie bars did exactly that. He convinced us to go watch a ping pong show. For those of you with little imagination, a ping pong show is one where a female inserts a ping pong ball into her vulva and squirts it out at amazing speeds possibly leaving you one-eyed for the rest of your life. I'm going to be crude and raw from now on. Again, if you are easily offended, stop here (please don't!).

We are walking up a flight of stairs at this point, toward a dark bar with loud music, and once we pass the door, a bunch of slutty women cheer us on for having walked in. They were nasty ugly women (or men we're not sure what they were) dancing up on stage. One of them was laying on her back pushing something out of her pussy (it was certainly not a child) but we were whisked away too quickly to notice what it was. Once we were sat down in a corner, a big tough lady placed a tube labeled "#1" on it. It was our table number but dammit, why 1!!?? Anyway, there was this particular lady or lady-boy that kept staring and smiling and saying things in thai we didn't and didn't want to understand. Our waitress arrives and asks us what we would like to drink. I ordered a jack daniels and coke and Jorge & Beto got Tiger Beers. While that is happening, two ladies come up to the three of us to ask us to get them coca cola's and we oblige (hesitantly) and get them their drinks in order for us to leave us alone. Jorge looks up and says "mira eso!" and it was a fat slut blowing out like 20 candles with her pussy and a straw. How the fuck do you blow out candles with your twat? I mean, was she queefing?? The bitch blew out candles! 20 of them!

The show was about to begin (although it never fucking stops here) and then we see a woman shooting a ping pong ball in the opposite direction of us. We laughed although we couldn't see it really shoot out of her pussy. Then almost immediately, this woman lies on her back and puts a beer bottle (a clear empty beer bottle) up her pussy (you could tell she was placing it in a comfy place) and gets up to begin peeing this dark liquid. We realized soon after that it wasn't pee.. She had been holding some sort of dark juice up there and was finally letting it out. When you thought you'd seen enough, she did it again. At that point, I couldn't stop laughing. The hooker that loved me came down from stage to harass me for a drink and put her non-existent tits against my shoulder almost hurting me. She was smashing them against me with full force. Then continued on to grab my balls and pinch my right thigh. What the fuck?!!??!! Ok, I'm over it but damn, its just a fucking drink. Get it yourself. Whatever, all of a sudden, this woman puts a banana in her pussy and shoots it (I MEAN SHOOTS IT LIKE A FUCKING RIFLE) at Beto but falls short of landing on his lap. Instead it falls between his shoes (she shot it from about 15 feet away) to have the bitch's administrative assistant (that's what we called her since she was the one making sure the floor was tidy and neat) pick up the damn banana and suck it in front of Beto!! We had had enough! I could not stop laughing! I had a woman/man who knows what next to me pushing her tits against my shoulder for a drink, a fat slut blowing out candles with her pussy, another one peeing dark juices in a bottle, the other one was a firing squad of ping pong balls and then the unheard of; bananas shooting out of a pussy as if they were cannonballs!

This is the best part. Thailand is cheap (not dirt cheap but cheap nonetheless) but these bitches robbed us! 300 Baht (Thailand's currency) per drink (3 for us, 3 for them since i ended up getting the whore her drink) plus 2,100 Baht to watch the show. 3,900 Baht for being in there 15 minutes and it is 32 Baht per $1. That makes it $122 dollars. =( Oh well, we got the chance to experience something as demented as that. Good times.

We needed a break so we went to have dinner. The food was actually really really good! It ended up being something like $25 dollars for the three of us at a really nice place. Jorge had to shit in the bathroom and was actually escorted into the women's bathroom since the men's one was busy. No worries, we have all been shitting everywhere. Beto shit over everyone we flew over between San Juan and Bangkok and my farts have made people faint in each city. However, the food is great here in BKK.

Once gone from the restaurant, we entered another nightmare. We went to a disco called DJ Station. PACKED PACKED PACKED. We could not walk. I mean, we got 2 drinks for free after paying a 200 Baht cover charge ($6) but totally not worth it. The music was from 2002 and a bit tacky. Before we knew, it was 4am all we had gotten out of the night was a pussy juice covered banana. YUM.

We called it a night.

The alarm never went off. Jorge woke up at 9:45am and we took it easy. We showered, had breakfast, and got on a Tuk-Tuk (like a motorized bicycle/charriot) to get to the Grand Palace. Once there, we were truly amazed at the architecture and the grandeur of the place. I was a bit let down by the emerald buddha which wasn't all that great. Other than that, we had a great time and even got a bit of sun. The details of gold, glass, emerald, rubies and what not were so intricately put together that you at some points stand in awe of everything around you.

That's it. That's all I have to say about that. Those things are truly not the ones that stay with you when you travel. They are just a beautiful memory. That's all.

Anyway, once gone from the Grand Palace, we walked in the direction of the river (close by) and found this market/pier/slum/tarot reading area/dead chicken spa/jade selling lady/everything you could fucking imagine place. Anyway, getting to the point, we met the coolest lady-boy selling food. Yes street food! It was cheap and DELICIOUS and looked really really scary but we wanted to try it. She/he asked us in great english what we wanted and we just hugged her and took pictures with the food-serving drag queen! Even the lady behind the counter was striking poses with us for the camera. Amazing place! I had some sort of sweet and sour chicken with rice and vegetables (who knows if it was a rat) and haven't had diarrhea! I do have my imodiums at hand though. Just in case. Then we met the coolest tribal ladies on the street! They are from the neck tribe (the one that puts rings around their neck and then they look like old horny giraffe women) from up north in Thailand. They sold us some hot hats! Wait till you see them on us!! One of them gave me a bracelet for free.. She was ugly and sweet! Her sugar was raw! Really raw!!

Anyway, once done with lunch we walked toward the water and almost instantly decided to take (in my opinion at the moment) those cheesy touristy boat tours. At the same time though, once I put my first foot into the boat and saw Jorge and Beto behind me I knew this was going to be memorable and amazing!! It really was. I laughed my ass off but not before we saw a Komodo Dragon on an abandoned staircase staring at us as we drove by. It was huge and the driver motioned to us that it would strike if we got close. Crazy right? A fucking Komodo Dragon (Indonesia is close and supposedly they live on Komodo island; it must have been smuggled into Thailand somehow)!! Well, the boat tour took us through these neighborhoods of high middle class and dirt poor homes. It was interesting to see the class differences and the way everything in Bangkok is situated on water and canals. At one point we reached a sort of fish farm (huge cat fish that seemed to almost attack) where for 20 Baht (.80cents) you could feed them with bread. Those mutilated mutant fish wanted to piranha your hand off. The driver was fucking nuts trying to feed them up close and personal. Eventually, we left (not before i was knocked over by a splashing fish cause I got scared that it would jump out and bite me. I even think I screamed a little bit) and went toward the floating market. What a bunch of bullshit! The floating market is a place where tons of ladies sell their goods (vegetables, fruit, textiles, etc) on small boats in crowded tributaries of the main river that crosses Bangkok. Instead of the floating market (which is how it was sold to us), we were taken to an empty river with one lady all by herself selling keychains and wooden elephants. I think she also had a purse but Jorge bought it. We even think she came out of the water (sort of like "it's a small world" from disneyworld) and she is the official river seller.. She'll sell you anything.. She even sells ping pongs for shows. The bitch has connections.. Anyway, once back on the pier, we took a tuk-tuk to Patpong (the slutty area) to do some shopping since we saw some really cool shirts there the night before. Nothing was really open though so we opted to take the skyway metro so that we could get views of the city. In the process we witnessed fireworks for the King's 80th birthday! That was really cool. I was exhausted.

After that, we took the train to Siam Square where we found a mall that Beto and Jorge had been raving about because they saw it on Friday on the way from the airport to the hostel. By pure coincidence, we ended up in a shopping mall that hosted the largest aquarium/oceanarium in all of South East Asia, it sold Lamborghini's and Maseratti's on the 4th or 5th floor and had a department store called ZEN (the complex next door) that has 20 floors! I mean seriously, fuck Macy's and Sears and Nordstroms. 20 fucking floors and everything from spa's to gym's to diesel and energie clothing to picture frames, puma shoes, cd's, you name it. Before we even went into ZEN, we had had dinner at the mall. Jorge and I had Pad Thai which was yum yum sucky sucky 'fai dala' (five dollars) and Beto, being picky, ordered fried rice that tasted like air and water combined (nothing at all) and a rare specimen of meat that I could swear belongs to the liver of some stray siamese cat that was found somewhere down the road. He thought it was tofu, I'm sure it was rat or cat liver. Anyway, after that, we came 'home' and I began to write. I hope you enjoyed the post! Hopefully, I'll update you tomorrow night. It's 12:30AM (Sunday) in Bangkok and 11:30AM (Saturday) in San Juan/New York.

Again, lots of love from fucky fucky yum yum 5 Baht Thailand!!